What should I call it?

Often, I feel as though my life is a story. In my head, I am constantly writing the chapters. In my car I do the most thinking, even if there is NPR chatting in the background, woeful country music stirring my emotions, or silence compelling me to think deeply. I keep meaning to buy a voice recorder, so I can record my thoughts while I'm in the car.

I just realized that I missed my March payment for my storage unit. A few weeks ago, I carefully set up an automatic payment on my bank's webpage...only to just find out that I set the date for April instead of March. Cripes! This is two months in a row that I will pay late. Dummy. I swear some days I either get out of bed and leave my head on the pillow, or I've got it on backwards (or perhaps it's stuck to my butt?).

Today someone told me a cute name I can call people when they piss me off: Richardhead. It's the long form of Dickhead, haha....

I had a long, peaceful drive back from PA today. I'm almost done with my audio book, "The Hot Flash Club." Yes, I know, I'm only 26. Two people have already informed me that they think I'm too young to be "reading" about menopause...but I can say from listening to the book that even at my age I can relate to those characters! I can appreciate the comraderie shared among girlfriends, emotional rollercoasters we endure, bingeing on "bad" foods every once in a while...and even the changes that our bodies go through over the years. I have heard of the fears many women have in their mid-20's, about how being 26 isn't 25, it's closer to being 30. I never really thought about that, the fact that I'm four years from thirty. It seems unbelievable. Despite this reality, I still feel like a kid. If you ask my family, they would say I still act like one. I will never stop acting like a kid...life is meant to be fun! Some people say, "Grow up," or "Act your age." I saw a comic today, Dennis the Menace, and in it Mr. Wilson told Dennis to act his age (Dennis was doing a handstand in Mr. Wilson's living room). Dennis responded by saying that he didn't know how, because he had never been that age before! I wholly agree! And there are many people who do. I believe in making decisions with maturity, using my experience and knowledge to help out along the way, and choosing a career path that will financially and emotionally support me. And all the other adult things that go in that category. But at the same time, I could never lose my imagination, my playfulness and my joy for life! I have had too many people die in my life and heard of too many regrets that others have expressed to me, to have a life without fun. I have experienced heartache, the society-induced self-consciousness of hating my body, depression and all the shitty things we go through as we mature. And while all this went on, I still traveled around the world, ate incredible and strange foods, spoke with and became friends with many people of many cultures. I guess what I'm trying to say is, that I have no idea what I'm trying to say - HA! I am a mature adult who, every day, struggles to make mature decisions. Despite all this, I can still find the time to laugh, love and enjoy the life that has been given to me.... And perhaps do a few cartwheels along the way :)

I spent the Easter weekend with some of my favorite people. Three of my best girlfriends from college were there, one with her husband and baby (my goddaughter) in tow. They were visiting from Canada, where they have been living the past three-plus years, and are soon to move back to the states (in a few months). Life has been emotional since I moved back home with my parents. Even though I know it's short-term, our fuses are short and we seem to have a lot of friction. I try to keep my mouth shut, but for the most part I don't have a filter [that works]. It was a breath of fresh air visiting the Coles...they always make me realize the importance of family, love and laughter. And this morning, as I was sitting in the living room with them, amidst my groggy, period-induced coma, I realized what I love about the Coles. They laugh. Every day. I usually do too, but there has been a somberness attached to living at home. Like I said, there is a friction in the air and I have a hard time feeling the love that I once felt in my parents' home.

Tomorrow is the opening Red Sox games vs. the Oakland A's...only they are playing in Japan! I called my sister to see if she and her husband would record it for me, but it was too late, they were already in bed. Crapola. So, I've set my alarm for 5am to see if, perhaps, I can wake up to see the opening pitch and part of the game before I head off to the daily grind tomorrow. Blech...I have doubts about this one!

Whew...I'm spent. My mind is still whirring with thoughts, but I've got to double-check the newspaper for game time (just in case I can get up at 6am instead of 5am, ha). I might even start a new book...though I'm pretty wiped. I'll be shitting more of my subconscious later. For now, it's off to la la land.