Dealing with loss

I'm finally starting to recognize my feelings of sadness and loss that I've been carrying around for the last few weeks. My former roommate Mark passed away, in his early 30s, after fighting brain cancer for about five years. It's like a big flashback to one year ago when my cousin Mark died at the age of 38, also from an about-five-year fight with brain cancer. I realize now that for me to deal with a loved one's death requires keeping some part of that person alive, whether it be through a memory I talk about or a symbol that I carry around.

With my cousin Mark, it was tye-dyed shirts, a piece of pottery (handmade plate) and some old school rap CDs :) And with my roommate Mark, it is finally putting a picture of him up on my desktop to see his beautiful smiling face, riding my bike, appreciating a good piece of furniture and gardening. I did not share all of these pleasures with my Marks while they were alive, but now that they have passed, these items have risen to be more meaningful in my life.

It is the same with my grandparents who have passed. To remember Grandma Ethel, I have a hideously bright green hand-knitted shawl, hand-knitted quilts, some great photos and a collection of seashells (she used to collect them in Florida, and now I collect them world-wide in her memory). For Grandpa Moe, it is corny jokes, a good, big meal and sending cards to loved ones...usually with really corny poems inside. And for the most recent passing of Grandma Alma, I have a beautiful brass bell (that I was drawn to at almost every visit to her house), old pots and pans of hers, gardening, and the skill of making a stitch.

I'd like to say that I deal with my emotions when they happen, but I know that my feelings of loss always hit me a little bit later than the moment. I want to live in the moment, and not grieve in it. I take my time with many things in my life...getting a formal education, finding a career, establishing roots - these things take time for me. And that goes for my grieving too. So now, I grieve. And next week? Perhaps the sun will shine again :)