Crumbling down...

...the walls, the support beams, the structure of what we've built over the last month and a half. When you got back you said you'd never go back. You said you'd be done in two, and we would be one. I would have relocated...it was that serious. We would have been together. But now, now you may go back, you may make this your life. You asked if it could be mine, too. I thought love was unconditional, sacrificial, but this feels like suffocation...just thinking about that life closes the windows and doors on me and the walls come crumbling down. We had a love that felt like none other. You threw me a curve ball that scared me out of my boots, boots that were tied with double knots. Now those laces are lying open on the ground...vulnerable and exhausted from holding on.

Focused on my run

Saturday I am running the St. Pat's 5k in Providence. The map of the course is below. I am so excited, weeeee!

The Watchmen

I have yet to read the graphic novel or see the movie, but a friend suggested "The Watchmen" to me tonight. He said I'd not regret buying the book and seeing the movie. He also said that if I love dark, then I will love this movie. I love dark. I am sure he's correct about me loving this story. The last dark, superhero movie I watched was The Dark Knight...excellent if you haven't seen it!

Here is what Jeffrey had to say about the movie:

A disgusted, disillusioned superhero is complaining about what society has become, and says:
"The city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout, "Save us!" and I'll look down and whisper, "No.""

Oooh, just puts a shiver in me...I can't wait to read and see it! :) Thanks J.A.!!!

Hunger Awareness

Today I came across the website for Family Green Survival, a project founded by Gopal K. Kapur, a former civil engineer turned management consultant. Mr. Kapur has a deep interest in living a green life and also the importance of having empathy for the world's low income and poor population. This empathy can be experienced very easily, by Eating Green one day per month and also by practicing Survival Eating at least one day per month. I think it's a fabulous idea! Instead of fasting, which can be easier than actually adjusting one's diet, he is suggesting something deeper...something to remove us from societal norms and routines and the energy drain of daily life...challenging us to make a more serious effort on just one day!

In the image below, Mr. Kapur states: "The larger pan on the left represents 3,654 calories, what the average American eats per day. The pan or the right represents between 800 to 1,400 calories the poor population in developing countries eats per day. The pan in the middle represents what everyone in the world should be eating." (This excerpt taken from his "About Us" page.)
Check it out! I think I am going to give it a try...after all, it's only ONE DAY per month. My boyfriend Jeff was in Afghanistan for one year with the Army and while he lived there, in mud huts with the local Afghanis, he ate only rice and onion three times a day. He lost almost 40 lbs. in the year he was there and was able to experience what the truly "poor" experience on a daily basis. If he did it for one whole year, then I can do it for 12 days per year. Perhaps it will be part of the new religion that I am creating for myself?

Religion

I am writing a short paper for my intermediate Spanish class and the topic is: Es importante la religión en tu vida? --> Is religion important in your life? It is probably one of *the* most difficult one-page papers I've ever been assigned! I haven't believed in god in about fifteen years and about the same time I stopped believing, I started doubting organized religion. I was very involved in youth group activities when I was in high school - but mainly because I loved the socialization and of course there was some incentive. If I attended high school religious classes I was almost guaranteed a small amount of scholarship money once I got to college. Un-ethical? Perhaps...but I wasn't the only one doing it or making that decision. They (the temple) wanted youth in the synagogue...we wanted scholarship money. It sort of worked out for all of us. A business transaction. How shameful!

Now I look back and I wonder how my life would have been different if I hadn't gone to those classes. I almost feel as if they never happened. The only day I remember was the day we had discussions with Rabbis Ross and Small about sexuality. I was a teenager who didn't believe in god...do you really think I would have remembered the religious crap we talked about? Nope.

I don't know exactly why I stopped believing in god. Perhaps it was all those science classes I was starting to take - learning about research and concrete evidence...of which there is almost none when you're talking about the Old Testament. Perhaps it was the death of Grandma Ethel - mom's mom - who was so special to me, but died when I was 12, two months before my Bat Mitzvah. At that point I became very angry at the world, at the rabbi, at Judaism and the concept of "God" just didn't make sense anymore.

Despite those feelings, I continued with my Jewish education (remember the incentive) and began attending Jewish summer camp, eventually working there too. The summer camp was an outlet for socializing with Jewish friends, working with kids and avoiding having a "real-world job" until later. I loved camp! I strongly disliked having services everyday, talking about god and Jewish themes...perhaps I stopped liking the idea of Jewish camp? Who knows, but it was my friends and the amazing experiences at camp that kept me coming back for more each summer. I even went to Israel with a camp group, and what an amazing trip! I would never give up my history at summer camp...though I definitely struggled with my religious beliefs the entire time.

One of the best things anyone has said to me was that even though I don't believe in god, I would always be welcome at the temple. That was a great thing to hear, though at that point I didn't have a community there anymore. All my childhood Jewish friends - not camp friends - had gone elsewhere and were no longer attending temple. I would go with mom and my sister if they had a strong desire for me to join in a social activity, but after high school I pretty much gave up going to temple for the high holidays. It didn't mean anything to me!

Argh...all of this is so frustrating. I deal with it constantly, day to day. I am sure I struggle so hard because I want to believe in something *so badly* but none of it makes sense. Not god. Not Allah. Not any Christ-based religion. Perhaps I will check out the Zodiacs and see if there's any validity in that field of beliefs. All I know is that I will struggle with this for a very long time.... Especially once the time comes that I start having children. What the heck am I going to do then?

Zeitgeist, Totalitarianism & Micro-chipping

I am watching Zeitgest, The Movie, on google video right now, wondering what the heck the Zeitgeist movement is all about. The movie is trippy, frightening and shocking...not to mention has very intense music. The more I see of it, the more fascinated I become. Perhaps you will think I am a heretic for enjoying the movie. If you have two free hours, I suggest checking it out. Be patient though, because the beginning might make you want to close your browser and walk away.

Earlier, I watched an interview with Aaron Russo, a now-deceased former film producer, libertarian politician and activist. I believe on one webpage it said that he often referred to himself as a "freedom fighter," but don't quote me on that. In the interview he discussed his opinions on the current development of a totalitarian, corporate-driven society we live in here in the United States. Those are some strong accusations and mind-blowing to someone like me who is slowly getting involved in American politics and trying to see all sides...even of those most extremely opinionated people. Russo and others believe that religion and the Federal Reserve have a stronghold on our identities and beliefs as free thinkers. I haven't yet formed my opinion on this topic.

Supposedly in 2005 there was the creation of the "North American Union", in which the Canada, the U.S. and Mexico have essentially erased all borders, becoming one large union. Following that would come the Amero - our version of the Euro. It all seems so ridiculous and crazy to think about...based on silly conspiracy theories...but interesting nonetheless.

In addition, I watched a few videos this morning about micro-chipping. I found one on the Organic Consumers Association website about NAIS: the National Animal Identification System. Once again, I come across an extremely controversial topic in the minds of many Americans today. I am in complete opposition to this idea for many reasons...none of which I feel like discussing right now.

All in all, it's been an interesting, informative and entertaining morning. The perfect way to start a snow day! :) I hope you enjoy the reads and please let me know your opinions if you do decide to browse any of the links.

Cheers.