Religion

I am writing a short paper for my intermediate Spanish class and the topic is: Es importante la religión en tu vida? --> Is religion important in your life? It is probably one of *the* most difficult one-page papers I've ever been assigned! I haven't believed in god in about fifteen years and about the same time I stopped believing, I started doubting organized religion. I was very involved in youth group activities when I was in high school - but mainly because I loved the socialization and of course there was some incentive. If I attended high school religious classes I was almost guaranteed a small amount of scholarship money once I got to college. Un-ethical? Perhaps...but I wasn't the only one doing it or making that decision. They (the temple) wanted youth in the synagogue...we wanted scholarship money. It sort of worked out for all of us. A business transaction. How shameful!

Now I look back and I wonder how my life would have been different if I hadn't gone to those classes. I almost feel as if they never happened. The only day I remember was the day we had discussions with Rabbis Ross and Small about sexuality. I was a teenager who didn't believe in god...do you really think I would have remembered the religious crap we talked about? Nope.

I don't know exactly why I stopped believing in god. Perhaps it was all those science classes I was starting to take - learning about research and concrete evidence...of which there is almost none when you're talking about the Old Testament. Perhaps it was the death of Grandma Ethel - mom's mom - who was so special to me, but died when I was 12, two months before my Bat Mitzvah. At that point I became very angry at the world, at the rabbi, at Judaism and the concept of "God" just didn't make sense anymore.

Despite those feelings, I continued with my Jewish education (remember the incentive) and began attending Jewish summer camp, eventually working there too. The summer camp was an outlet for socializing with Jewish friends, working with kids and avoiding having a "real-world job" until later. I loved camp! I strongly disliked having services everyday, talking about god and Jewish themes...perhaps I stopped liking the idea of Jewish camp? Who knows, but it was my friends and the amazing experiences at camp that kept me coming back for more each summer. I even went to Israel with a camp group, and what an amazing trip! I would never give up my history at summer camp...though I definitely struggled with my religious beliefs the entire time.

One of the best things anyone has said to me was that even though I don't believe in god, I would always be welcome at the temple. That was a great thing to hear, though at that point I didn't have a community there anymore. All my childhood Jewish friends - not camp friends - had gone elsewhere and were no longer attending temple. I would go with mom and my sister if they had a strong desire for me to join in a social activity, but after high school I pretty much gave up going to temple for the high holidays. It didn't mean anything to me!

Argh...all of this is so frustrating. I deal with it constantly, day to day. I am sure I struggle so hard because I want to believe in something *so badly* but none of it makes sense. Not god. Not Allah. Not any Christ-based religion. Perhaps I will check out the Zodiacs and see if there's any validity in that field of beliefs. All I know is that I will struggle with this for a very long time.... Especially once the time comes that I start having children. What the heck am I going to do then?