Exhausting business

I know that I'm about to have my period when I cry.

I also know that when I cry, there's something going on in my heart and my mind.

These past two weeks have been quite a handful, in both good and bad. I reconnected with a high school friend, Laura, who I haven't seen in about nine years. We caught up on our college and grad lives...most interestingly, she studied Spanish in college, something I gave up early on before I realized I had a true passion for it. Now, Laura is a nurse and speaks Spanish daily at PMH with her patients. I was inspired to check out her school and their professional Spanish program. Sold! I considered my options, to look at a few other schools too, but perhaps I'll only call one of them. I'm sure that Worcester is where I should be for the program. It's central to so many parts of my life.

About the program; it's a B.A., so yeah, I'd be getting another Bachelor's. Seems like everyone is so obsessed with grad school; master's degrees, Ph.D.s, etc. etc. I say, what's wrong with another undergrad degree? Of course I loved my first one, Biology, but haven't used it to it's full potential. And I was so busy with sports in college that I didn't have time to double major...and may I remind you that I didn't realize my passion for Spanish until these last few years? Anyway, I'm applying - deadline is 10 Dec for January classes. I'll start the program (and new year) off with a bang in the winter session course that's being offered through continuing education: Spanish for Health Care Providers - perfect!

In addition to my schoolgirl fever, things are going awry as far as family health goes. My grandmother has had trouble breathing for the last few months and Sunday night went to the ER, later (1am Monday) to be admitted to the RCU (Respiratory Care Unit). In the ER she endured bloodwork, x-ray and CAT scan. I went immediately and helped ease the pain with my usual humor and stories...and of course pulled a few good stories out of my grandmother too :) Now she's been "quarantined" - not really, but is there another word? Because she is a respiratory case, by medical law they have to first rule out TB because they don't know exactly what is wrong. She's being tested (well, her sputum actually) for TB, is currently receiving antibiotics for pneumonia (does she even have it? No idea, but they're treating for it anyway) and once the TB results are in, if they're negative, she'll go for an endoscopy to see if she's having an esophageal blockage that might be causing her difficulty breathing.

Two days ago (18 Nov) was gram's 89th birthday. It sucks that she had to spend the day in the hospital, but she was showered with cards, visitors, doughnuts (I think she ate one), phone calls and a beautiful get well Christmas cactus...and when I say beautiful, I mean that EVERY single leaf-end has a magenta bud on it!!! It's going to be gorgeous! This is only the second time in her life that she's suffered an illness; she's a tough cookie with great genes. I like to think that I inherited her immunity, though thankfully not her allergies!

All day I've been trying to erase the guilt I've felt for not going to the hospital today. I was there Sunday, Monday, twice Tuesday. Not once today. I was told that it's okay to take a break. I just feel my duty to her while she's ill is to be there every step of the way. For the most part I have been - helping her spread mayo on her ham and cheese sandwich, taking her to the toilet, rubbing ointment on her sores, smiling at her through the awful mask I have to wear when I go into her room. June told me the other day that even if I go to the hospital to see her and I have nothing to say, nothing to entertain her with, that I should just be there to "be". She's right, and I have...and I will again tomorrow.

Besides my gram, another person near to the family has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I found out today and as I'm not close with her I can't do much but be a good cheerleader on the sidelines and provide support for her family. I always say that if I prayed, I would pray. Now would be the time.

Before I picked up my laptop I had words running high-speed across my brain, waiting to be written down. It seems like my mind moves so fast sometimes that I cannot keep up, cannot get to my computer in time. And most definitely cannot hand-write fast enough! I've already forgotten most of it...which accumulated post-"The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2" during my come-down from lots of tears. Okay, so I'm a movie sap...I also have PMS and a heart made for mushyness, desperate to fall in love again. I suppose we can save that for another time.

I was going to title this entry, "Fuck," because it's exactly how I felt tonight when I heard about the ovarian cancer. It's also how I feel when I think about all the shit that's going on with my grandmother, and my very short time span to get my application for school and financial aid filled out. Instead, I'll save the vulgarities for another time when I really need them.

If you pray, please pray. If you meditate, I ask for peace of mind and healing. If you cook, please bring some food to my parents' house because the kitchen is still under construction and we have no stove (argh!) hehe. If you've read this far, then I've fulfilled my wish to interest others in my life's challenges and stories.