"What I wouldn't give just to forget..."

This is proving to be quite a difficult summer for me, emotionally. I am up, I am down...when it's good, something comes around and knocks me down. I am strong, I wake up and appreciate every single moment that I have, even when I'm in a miserable mood.

Today I was knocked down pretty hard.... Around 4:30 in the morning there was a car accident. By midday, everyone in town had heard about it. My former boss, Jonathan VanAllan, a 24-yo self-motivated entrepreneur from New York State had died in that very car accident along with one passenger. I have no idea what happened in that car, but I do know that there was a loss of control and they hit a tree. No survivors.

People say life is short...life is precious...live each day like it's your last. I learned these things six years ago when I first worked in Oncology. I met amazing people who completely changed my life, and I, in turn, affected theirs. I have lost many of them, and received so much love from even more of them. "My patients," I used to call them. They were my loves. They taught me so much about death and coping...and healing. Most of all, they taught me how to live.

Jonathan's death really struck a chord with me and I have been crying off and on all night. I have been very introspective lately, even before this news. Tell your family you love them, send more letters, make more phone calls, "don't sweat the small stuff." Only in this moment do I feel these things are in me even stronger than they were before.

When Mark and Kenny passed away I was sad, oh so sad. But something about Jonathan's death has just made me reflect again, in a different way...not knowing what the future holds for any of us...it's just amazing, that another person so motivated and alive could just die, just like that.

So of course I am home, reflecting, crying, surrounded by a messy desk, things on the floor, unfinished projects all around. I'm listening to low-key, sappy music about life and love. I am tired. Sitting next to me is a beautiful picture of my beloved family. If everything else in this world disappeared, I would want to know that they would be what was left for me, for without my family, I am nothing.