Reflections

Keys.
I just came across the keys from my Grandmother's house, which is no longer my Grandmother's house. Dad and his sisters sold the house to a new family last year. It's a double lot (the second lot used to be our family garden) with a big garage (that used to be a chicken coop with Gram was little), fruit trees, and shares a center driveway with our cousins. I'll never go there again. I'll never put in the keys to turn the lock, nor will I knock and wait for Gram's cute, smiling face to come open the door with the bell on it. I will no longer see her in her little house slippers, toes covered with either nude stockings or white athletic socks, depending on the season. I will never again enter that back entryway, staring at the recycle bins and laundry ladder, wanting to click open the window, feel the fresh air on my face, and roll in the clothesline to hear it squeak so familiarly. I will never again put my hands in the cool earth of that garden or pull in the driveway to see Gram bending over the rows doing her weeding and harvesting. I will never again stare up at the brown spotted pear tree and wonder how the view is from up top. I will never again sit on that back hill and daydream about the chickens that Gram used to feed as a little girl, or about the pig roasts we had when I was a little girl, all sides of our large family spending a summer afternoon together...eating, telling stories, laughing, and enjoying the slowness of summer while the kids played and, later, shot off bottle rockets and cherry bombs on that same back hill. Never again will I ride my bike down the road from our house to find Zia Linda lying out for a tan on a beach chair, nor will I spend time watching the boys play basketball while I sit admiring the rose bushes outside Zia Elsie's house.

I may never again do any of these things, but I will forever remember the sweetness of those times, the smells, the colors, the smiles, and the love...the deepest love one could have ever found. And all of that from a couple of keys.

Work-Life Balance

This is a phrase I am currently not familiar with. In the last 6 months I have become consumed with my job. I commute, I arrive, I work, I commute, I end up at home. Eat, sleep, shower & repeat five times each week. There hasn't been as much time for working out or emotional freedom as I'd hoped for. I know a majority of that stems from the breakup and the months of crying and heartache. As for the lack of gym attendance, I am tired & hungry when I get back to town and just want to collapse, not work out! It's sad. I used to work out five times a week, and I am not talking about my college years!

When I interviewed at a.h., everyone kept mentioning the work-life balance and how important it is to them (and to the company). I will be travelling 70% of the time for work, but (from what I understand thus far) I will be given sufficient down time. In-between travel dates I will be cramming in clothing/apt cleaning and visits with family and friends, but on my off weeks (aka in-office time) I hope to have enough time go dancing, go on a few dates & just relax! :)

I just came across an online video of the H.S.'s VP of Engineering talking about why people should work for their company. He also mentioned the work-life balance (while standing in front of a beer cooler, I might add). I know that a.h. also keeps brews in the cooler for after-meeting "happy hours" or whatever one might call it.

I find it fascinating (and exciting!) that I will soon be working for a company that will give me a leash of independence to be self-motivated, a self-starter and have opportunities to work at my own pace while at the same time working on time lines with various projects. Not to mention the laptop and phone they'll provide me! haha It's big time :)

Just a few more weeks....

Good days and bad.
Excellent service and poor.
Moving forward and looking back.
Happy without and missing a lot.
I don't mean to make so much of this blog about you, but you control my mind sometimes. I'm holding on to what could have been and am not able to look forward yet to what could be. I'm still in this old place with these old feelings, but cleaning out little by little and creating some new in my surroundings. Next month a big wave of NEW is coming...will I still feel bad about leaving you behind or will it be as easy as I've heard it can be? I know all the answers. I just don't want to say them out loud and risk losing you forever...because holding on is...easier? Right.

I just wish I could wish you back to me and wish us back to the way we were when it all started. Isn't that what they all say?