Feelin' the flo

She's back and she brought all her baggage with her this time.

Despite her arrival, I had an amazing reunion last night with J&S & Cam. What started out as a beautiful 55 degree day, turned into a frigid and windy night in the 20's. Also, despite having to get my car from the impound lot at 9am, I ended up cheery and stress-free by the time dinner rolled around.

Cam and I rode our bikes to J&S's apt from his place, first with the wind at our backs and, upon turning onto Mass Ave, found ourselves standing on our pedals urging ourselves forward into the wind. Walking into the apartment building, I felt the rush of warm inside air and immediately started feeling my appendages again. We stuffed our bikes and our bodies into the tiny elevator and moved up to the 6th floor. Leaving the bikes in the hall and in the apartment, we were immediately enveloped by the smells of roasting vegetables and the vision of holiday lights and handmade snowflakes on the windows. They've lived in this small one-bedroom apartment for six years (quite successfully if you ask me) and every time I walk in, I feel like I am home.

S bought two beautiful steaks from Whole Foods and tied them together with a smattering of chopped herbs in the middle. She pan fried each side before throwing them into the oven with the roasting vegetables (which were the *most*incredibly*delicious* roasted veggies I've ever eaten). We started the evening with a bottle of Tapeña Garnacha from Spain, soon after followed by a smooth Chilean wine, of which I've forgotten the name.

Our first course was a light salad of baby spinach, sliced pear & fennel, bleu cheese, fresh dill, and a homemade vinaigrette of which I couldn't distinguish the exact ingredients. Regardless, it was superb. With our second round of wine came the beautifully sliced steaks and buttery, crispy, roasted vegetables. That small kitchen just emanated deliciousness and laughter once we got to telling stories and teasing each other.

The night moved on like this, smoothly and full of joy, until J got up to cook bananas in butter, serving them with vanilla ice cream and freshly poured Bourbon. Mmm, delightful! At that point I was feeling quite happy and satisfied, and completely warmed by the love I was feeling in that kitchen. What a great first meeting for Cam and J&S!!! I had a feeling their worlds would merge in such a positive way. Hooray!

Finishing our desserts, we moved into the much cooler living room, the ladies with cups of sencha green tea with rice and the guys each with a glass of 23 1/2. This is the signature drink of J & P, as they live in apartments 23 and 24, respectively, thus making 23 1/2 the drink of both apartments. Quite genius! And delicious, of course. Had you any doubts?

We stayed in this way, drinking, telling stories, and laughing for hours until we realized it was almost 1:30am and we had to work the next day...well, Cam and I had to. J&S were on their week off, lucky ducks! Thanks to the incredible food and the warm drinks (and limited vehicles on the road), the ride home wasn't terrible, but sure was difficult! That wind was whipping at our faces and I didn't think I'd be able to feel my ears again!!!

Needless to say I can feel my ears, I am at peace today, and I am going home to have a nap with a heating pad. I can finish the rest of my work later...once I'm curled up and warm under the down comforter. Is there any better way to work on one's laptop on a frigid day like today?

Growing & Molding

Happy holidays to all. I sit here in awe of the realization that I've hit a new decade in my life, but still feeling the same as I did ten years ago. From a college girl to a professional woman, the details of my life have been written deeper and more brightly than I had imagined they would. I have seen other parts of the world, spoken the languages, learned the history via conversation with natives, and hopped from job to job for years. I find myself with my first real career in a new city, with new friends and new forward-thinking dreams. Where I was once un-ready to make life decisions, I find myself ready to step forward over the line toward a brighter, more intense future.

Yet despite all of this growth I am, at times, unable to separate myself from my tantrum-throwing five-year-old self when faced with family stresses and stabbing emotions. I love my family more than life itself and have seen it evolve greatly over the years since childhood. I had a conversation this weekend with S.M. regarding this topic, that as kids we thought our families were perfect. As we grew and our elders passed away, younger generations fought over money, family members relocated, and all other awareness-inspiring events occurred, we realized that perfection lies anywhere but within our families. There are fights, there are angry words spewed, there is suicide, there are days in court, there are countless deaths of loved ones, and there is distance created as emotions form opinions around all of these events. I have had incredible highs with the happiest of emotions and the deepest lows when the depressions of heartache set in.

I don't consider myself someone who takes life or the important people in my life for granted. Instead I aim to look to the skies every day, taking a deep-breath of Nature's freshest air molecules, and express my thanks for the wonderful life that I call my own.

As I sit here, I'm staring at the most interesting clay-inspired painting on my desktop (a photo I took of an oil on canvas in the Worcester Art Museum) and listening to thought-provoking electronic music (Mir by Ott). Snippets of human voices mixed with a solid bass, sounds of Nature, and funky beats drive my thought processes.

I was overcome by emotions during the holiday weekend and found myself living through every one of them, at times not being able to control the words coming out of my mouth as I expressed myself. I am forever thankful that M&D don't judge me too harshly and always see me as the good person that I am.... Thanks to them, it was a successful, quiet weekend full of reflection, fighting, and, most of all, love.

From Florida with love...

It's 12:39 am and I've been stalking the internet for hours. I'm on vacation in FL with the fam and haven't had a chance to get online in the last few days. It's a good thing I did tonight, because it gave me and AGF a chance to Skype! She and I have been missing each other a lot and haven't been keeping in very good touch...bad us! I'm listening to "Kondratieff Wave" by Ian Stewart on repeat and loving the feeling it's giving me; what a good vibe. It came recommended by a friend and I suggest you check it out.

S & J moved down here in the summer and I'm sure my parents are soon to follow. Everyone seems to be migrating to the Florida area (and when I say everyone, I mean New Englanders) and that doesn't exclude my family and close friends. It seems I know a lot of people who are living down here these days. I can't say that it's a bad place to be - warmth year round (read: no snow), beaches, tropical flora and fauna, and happiness driven by sunshine. I personally like the change of seasons, the smell of Autumn, the snow of Winter; but I know people who have shoveled for years and are ready for a change. So be it. I will just come visit :)

On another note, I was FB photo stalking some friends tonight, reading about recent engagements, honeymoons, and wedding planning. How nice of them to re-plant this seed in my eager mind. It got me so excited thinking about being at that point in my life...the point where I finally start planning a future with someone. I know I've almost been down this road before and sometimes that still makes me sad, knowing that it didn't work out for us. On the other hand, I look at photos of us with friends and I just want to cut him out and replace him with Cam. C's brought a lot of sunshine to my life and I hope that he continues to do just that....

I'm heading back to the Boston area mid-afternoon today and very much looking forward to seeing Cam and cuddling a *lot* :) I'm not ready to say goodbye to tank tops, flip flops, and constant sunshine, but I guess I'll have to make do with whatever I can find in between the Autumn clouds. I just hope it's warm enough to keep riding my bike!

In another month I'll be spending a week and a half in Boulder with Cam, and I'm REALLY looking forward to that! We'll be visiting YJ & RT and their pup. They've not only offered their spare room, but also use of their second car if we need it. How sweet! I'm hoping we can do some snowshoeing and/or skiing some powder, since I've never skied out West. I have no idea if Cam's ever skied, but if he hasn't, we will teach him! After Boulder I'll spend a few weeks in Midland, TX, the cement capital of the country (so I've been told) and is also the hometown of George W. Bush. Awesome. I may have to keep my middle-of-the-road political mouth shut while I'm down there, hehe :)

Until then though, I get to say whatever I want in Boston, knowing that I won't be judged. (insert smug look and childish laughter) Until next time....

Closure.

The good thing about right now is me. I sit here in the dark, fan on, beating the heat and thinking that I am finally able to move on. You shook my world for so long...you made me see the future, you loved me intensely and endlessly, and then, fearfully, you pulled it all away from me. We played tug-of-war with our relationship and our emotions, never knowing for sure in which direction we each wanted to move....

Thanks to our recent reunion and swapping of "I miss you"s, I had the opportunity to re-evaluate the future of our relationship. Would it work again? Could we go back to that first time, that first date, that first moment that we knew we wanted to spend our lives together? I so deeply wanted to feel comfortable with having you in my future [again], but something just wasn't right.

We hung out by the lake and I kept my guard up. I let it down. We walked to the ice cream shop and, though we were holding hands, I told you that I felt disconnected from you. You agreed. We agreed that we had "issues" to be resolved and discussed, but where was the magic? The flame that started the fire had become but a withering ember...and so it was.

Two days later I ended it. For good. I want to be your friend, but right now I need more time for me. And, honestly, I want you to stop loving me so hard. I will always love you in an intense way, just not at the same intensity level as I did just last Spring. If I catch a bouquet at a wedding, I won't wonder when you'll have the gusto to get a ring...or just plain old ask! I might wonder who's next in my future, because now I move forward. Let 'er rip baby!

p.s. You may no longer have the rights to be the focal point of this blog. I'm making space for new adventures. Thanks, baby, love you.

Dear 16-year-old Me

You.

You're still there in my memories, in my [almost] daily thoughts. Who knew it could take this long? What have you been up do? Did you graduate yet? Are you dating? Do you think of me too? I wonder if you do, if it's as often as I think of you.... Could you know how much it still hurts and how much of my heart still belongs to you?

I half-feel you, see your face, your smile...sometimes wish you would appear at my door, but you don't know my new address. Would you drive here to see me? Would it be worth it for us?

So many questions that I don't know if I want answers to, but, in the least, I would like to know how you are and for you to know about me. Do you care to know?

Immunize!

In the Paddywagon

I just saw you taken away. The police came looking for you. You showed up at home barefoot, glistening with sweat and rain, and donning blue hospital pants. Why were you barefoot? Did you run away from rehab? You said you didn't have your key and I pretended that it was completely normal that you were out there barefoot like that. You probably didn't know that I was aware of your situation. But before, I never knew about your condition. I never knew you could cause self-harm. You are a sweet person and funny and smart. From where did this diagnosis arise?

To think that just a few weeks ago we were sitting around laughing over cups of Absinthe, everything seemingly normal....

Reflections

Keys.
I just came across the keys from my Grandmother's house, which is no longer my Grandmother's house. Dad and his sisters sold the house to a new family last year. It's a double lot (the second lot used to be our family garden) with a big garage (that used to be a chicken coop with Gram was little), fruit trees, and shares a center driveway with our cousins. I'll never go there again. I'll never put in the keys to turn the lock, nor will I knock and wait for Gram's cute, smiling face to come open the door with the bell on it. I will no longer see her in her little house slippers, toes covered with either nude stockings or white athletic socks, depending on the season. I will never again enter that back entryway, staring at the recycle bins and laundry ladder, wanting to click open the window, feel the fresh air on my face, and roll in the clothesline to hear it squeak so familiarly. I will never again put my hands in the cool earth of that garden or pull in the driveway to see Gram bending over the rows doing her weeding and harvesting. I will never again stare up at the brown spotted pear tree and wonder how the view is from up top. I will never again sit on that back hill and daydream about the chickens that Gram used to feed as a little girl, or about the pig roasts we had when I was a little girl, all sides of our large family spending a summer afternoon together...eating, telling stories, laughing, and enjoying the slowness of summer while the kids played and, later, shot off bottle rockets and cherry bombs on that same back hill. Never again will I ride my bike down the road from our house to find Zia Linda lying out for a tan on a beach chair, nor will I spend time watching the boys play basketball while I sit admiring the rose bushes outside Zia Elsie's house.

I may never again do any of these things, but I will forever remember the sweetness of those times, the smells, the colors, the smiles, and the love...the deepest love one could have ever found. And all of that from a couple of keys.

Work-Life Balance

This is a phrase I am currently not familiar with. In the last 6 months I have become consumed with my job. I commute, I arrive, I work, I commute, I end up at home. Eat, sleep, shower & repeat five times each week. There hasn't been as much time for working out or emotional freedom as I'd hoped for. I know a majority of that stems from the breakup and the months of crying and heartache. As for the lack of gym attendance, I am tired & hungry when I get back to town and just want to collapse, not work out! It's sad. I used to work out five times a week, and I am not talking about my college years!

When I interviewed at a.h., everyone kept mentioning the work-life balance and how important it is to them (and to the company). I will be travelling 70% of the time for work, but (from what I understand thus far) I will be given sufficient down time. In-between travel dates I will be cramming in clothing/apt cleaning and visits with family and friends, but on my off weeks (aka in-office time) I hope to have enough time go dancing, go on a few dates & just relax! :)

I just came across an online video of the H.S.'s VP of Engineering talking about why people should work for their company. He also mentioned the work-life balance (while standing in front of a beer cooler, I might add). I know that a.h. also keeps brews in the cooler for after-meeting "happy hours" or whatever one might call it.

I find it fascinating (and exciting!) that I will soon be working for a company that will give me a leash of independence to be self-motivated, a self-starter and have opportunities to work at my own pace while at the same time working on time lines with various projects. Not to mention the laptop and phone they'll provide me! haha It's big time :)

Just a few more weeks....

Good days and bad.
Excellent service and poor.
Moving forward and looking back.
Happy without and missing a lot.
I don't mean to make so much of this blog about you, but you control my mind sometimes. I'm holding on to what could have been and am not able to look forward yet to what could be. I'm still in this old place with these old feelings, but cleaning out little by little and creating some new in my surroundings. Next month a big wave of NEW is coming...will I still feel bad about leaving you behind or will it be as easy as I've heard it can be? I know all the answers. I just don't want to say them out loud and risk losing you forever...because holding on is...easier? Right.

I just wish I could wish you back to me and wish us back to the way we were when it all started. Isn't that what they all say?

Last Saturday's musings (incomplete post)

"Just give yourself some time to falter...everything will come around in time."

Reflecting. It's a cold Saturday morning here in the Woo and I've been re-awakened...my senses, my emotions, my sexuality, my intensity...they have all returned to me. This was a good week. I went out to dinner twice - sushi then Middle Eastern food - and rediscovered myself, my power, my "me". In retrospect, we always see the things that people have been pointing out to us all along, but never noticed in the moment. How hard it is to pull away from that moment, however intense and frightening it might be, and see ourselves from the outside. I try to do this often in my life, not every day, but as often as I can manage without tiring myself.

Since August, I have toiled over my losses and shortcomings, wondering if it was me, or if it was you. Was I not in peak performance? Was I unknowingly disappointing you? Could I have tried harder? You hurt me immensely and I was defenseless...I thought it was where I was supposed to be, it was my destiny. When our lines of communication broke and we weren't reading the same book anymore, I didn't know how to get us back to square one. I don't think you did either. I changed. I felt differently about you. I still loved you and yearned for you - I still do now - but there are new things coming for me.

I've been...

...busy! Sure, I've been busy. Over the last week and a half I've spent so much time with my family and friends that I am just floating on happiness, not to mention the new "thing" that's coming in April. No, no, it's not a baby, a graduation or a cute little furry one (though the latter would be wonderful!). We'll talk about it in April :)

Thus, it's time to do some cleaning out & organizing. One never knows when life will demand a change, a move, a rapid change-of-plans. In any case, I washed & dried my new set of *beautiful* Chirp dishes and put them in the cabinet. To fully initiate them, I am planning a puzzle-themed dinner party with the Woo gang. Floppy socks not allowed. Nor are lifted pant legs, unless they are capris (man-pris allowed!). Hmm, so what will the menu include? This I am still trying to figure out; it must be vegetarian fare, possibly vegan, though I will have to quiz the attendees to find out for sure. Vegan is a little much for me, but when there are guests I will make accommodations.

Besides the initiation supper, the calendar seems to be filling rapidly. There is a minor medical procedure, a 99th birthday party, weekends at home with the family, the Irish Comedy Tour, and a trip to PA...and then April ;)

Happiness fights sadness.
Independence fights loneliness.
Forward newness fights tugging-back memories.
Relaxation fights git-er-done.
Salsa fights Tango.

It's time to live together in peace and balance...work yourselves out already!

What's that smell?

It now costs me $40 to fill my little gas tank, whereas a few months back it was only about $30-32. That totally stinks.

"Hi, my name is Todd"

I saw Mister "Hey, nice galoshes!" guy again tonight. I made it a point to buy a few things at TJs so that I could see how he reacted to seeing me again. Clearly it was necessary to pick up three bananas, an avocado, hummus & ID crisis chips (if you don't know what these are, head to TJs). I purposely went to his register so he could wait on me...how nice of me, eh? We exchanged the regular "How are you?"s, I asked him if he recognized me the other night, he confirmed and asked how I ended up at Nick's the other night. He was curious to find out that I am friends with JH (and TC too, I mentioned), which is why I was there. He continued on about how cool the poetry reading had been, I commented that I had not been there, and he followed by suggesting a weekly poetry read that happens Mon nights at Ralph's. All along I checked out his face, his beard - it's texture and varying colors, his teeth, his shaved head. I didn't bother mentioning that poetry really doesn't interest me. I merely said, "Cool, thanks. Have a good night," and off I went....

What you do to me...

I can't avoid the thought, "Did I do the right thing?" I am overcoming the loss of you...you pushed me away, I asked you back, we were back, I asked you for space...I liked it...you asked me back, I said no.

"You hold your head up to the sky. You say what kind of blue are you, are you?" (Erin McCarley) I am inside my head. I am watching from the outside. I am looking in the mirrors, hoping to see deep into my eyes.

"Go on, go on, go on the stars are watching...
You gotta take a bow and do it your way

You deserve a smile with no regret
Oh, look at you kicking off your shoes
Dancing for the world to see, you got the power to believe
Open up and sing and go be free and fly away"

It's you.

Hey there Mister "Hey, those are nice galoshes!" guy...you came into the bar tonight with a girl. Maybe she's your girlfriend or maybe she's your flavor of the month? Either way it goes, you were flirting with me at TJ's that day I had my boots on. You even danced around in a mocking manner when asking me if I dance in the rain in my polka-dotted galoshes. I pretended it didn't happen, then made some awkward laugh at your somewhat embarrassing jumping around by the avocados. Tonight I said, "Hi there!" with a perk in my voice as if you'd remember me. I just got my hair cut so maybe you didn't...or maybe you pretended not to know me because your girl might get jealous? I think you might have recognized me though.........I was wearing my galoshes again.